Neil Saves the Bar Mitzvah

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Recently, Neil’s Jewish nephew, Rodney, turned the ripe, bold age of 13. That’s right, it was time for a Bar Mitzvah. Unfortunately, a few days before the extravagant event Neil came down with a case of Covid 19. Upon learning of Neil’s sickness, the ladies at the synagogue seemed a little too happy to rescind Neil’s invitation. Poor Rodney didn’t find out his favorite uncle wasn’t going to be there until the DAY OF THE CELEBRATION. He was grief-stricken. He refused to don his gay apparel and hid in a closet in the basement. A closet in the basement is an excellent place to be during a tornado, but a terrible place to be during ones Bar Mitzvah.

Neil received word of the situation through a family friend. He became impassioned. Without hesitating, Neil chugged 5 times the Trump Administration recommended dose of hydroxychloroquine and crashed the party.

Rodney heard Neil’s voice. He sprang from the closet in his casual clothes and signaled the DJ to start the dance. Rodney became a man. Mozel tov, Rodney.

Neil made it through the dance before vomiting violently and collapsing in a dehydrated fever sweat. The paramedics have reported Neil’s condition as stable. The ladies of the synagogue were less than impressed, but the Rabbi seemed to rather enjoy the whole affair.

In the end, I’d call it just another day in the life of Neil Milani.

Covid-19 Update

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Today Neil shat himself. We moved him up to the larger size diapers, but it didn’t seem to be enough - it was a blowout. Despite drool running down his face and being covered in the sewage reek of his own diarrhea, Neil still seemed to be in a good mood and pleasantly babbled away while I changed him. The diaper rash has been clearing up, but the social restrictions have been hard on all of us. For Neil’s sake, please pray for a speedy end to the Covid pandemic.

BachWomann!

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Today Neil et al demonstrate the fluidity of gender through the evolutionary comedic crossroads of a classical composer and a semi-classical wind turbine control system. Is it art? Is it technology? Nobody can say for sure.

Bachman. Bach. Mann. Bachwoman. Baquaman. The hard-of-hearing superhero reminiscent of Espongebob’s Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy? So many questions. So few answers. Such is life.

“Dees Nuts” ~Neil Milani

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The Evolution of Man(ny)

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Young Manny Valduez (played by Colin Kaepernick) leaves his upper-middle class life to travel Nepal to Live Laugh Love. He overshoots and ends up in a Shaolin Monastery where he shaves his head, practices yoga and develops a love for carefully prepared tea. Eventually he moves back to the US and starts teaching yoga in the nursing homes in Arizona. One of his students, Susan Sarandon (played by Susan Sarandon), catches his eye and a soulful romance develops between them.

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Manny and Susan live, laugh and love their way through Season 1 of The Evolution of Man(ny) – Summer 2020. Based on a true story.

The Happy Roller

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Today Neil came up with another new business idea: The Happy Roller.

It’s a foam roller for massaging sore muscles, but it has a frowny face on it. :( But when you use it, it changes color into a smiley face. :)

Turn that frown upside down and roll out those muscles!!

Then he decided the bumps on the foam roller could be little boners that get bigger when you use it. So close to being normal, Neil. You were so close.

Nobody Wants To See That!

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Today Neil was so offended by a magazine advertisement that he threw the whole magazine away in disgust. “Nobody wants to see that!” he exclaimed, as he explained to us that nobody wants to see overweight men in diapers. He then began searching for the picture on his phone, because -in a moment of great irony- Min and I wanted to see the picture.

Here it is.

Sorry if you didn’t want to see it. Please don’t throw my website away.

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Running Over the Principal

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Neil told a story of going to get Mcdonald’s with a friend in high school. The principal of the school did not want them to leave, so he stood in the gate of the parking lot and physically blocked their car. His friend motioned for him to move and did not slow down. The principal dove out of the way as the sped through the gate and off to Mcdonalds. After returning, Neil’s friend, the driver, brought the principal a happy meal as an apology. Neil headed back to class as the principal’s office door slammed shut, muffling the steady stream of yelling.

The Animals of My Dreams

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Yesterday I told Neil about my dream where a strange aluminum match smoke attracted strange animals to my bedroom. One animal in particular was a Monkey Spider. It was like a tarantula, but with the head of a monkey. Neil keeps changing the animal when he retells other people my dream.

“Spider with a chicken head.”

“Spider with a rhino head and a garlic neck”

What even is a garlic neck?

Manimals Milk Products

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Today Neil ATB (And The Boys) came up with a new business idea:

Manimals Milk Products

A company that gets exotic milks from Rhino, Bison, Cheatah, etc.

The marketing campaign will include a character like the mayhem guy, but he has to go get a gallon of Cheatah Milk or Rhino Milk and he gets real beat up. It’s perfect. It’ll make millions.